Just a short, little reminder…

after consuming 4 slices of Honeybaked Ham smothered in honey mustard sauce, 2 slices of dried turkey breast drowned in gravy and cranberry cocktail, 2 scoops of creamed mashed potatoes - again, drowned in turkey gravy, 2 helpings of candied yams, 12 soggy green beans, 3 slices of pie - apple, pumpkin and sweet potato, 1 large slice of cheesecake, 3 too-many glasses of wine, and 1 dinner roll used to slop up all the leftover gravy and potatoes…

… don’t forget to give thanks for the over abundance of food we Americans selfishly enjoy this time of year!

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There are many problems with American culture -

The rich keep getting richer, the poor - poorer, and the middle class is shrinking.
We spend more than we save - and usually on materialistic “markers” of success: a Benz we can’t afford, phat diamonds & bling, $100 designer t-shirts.
We live only for today, and not for our future generations - look at what we’re doing to our environment. Wetlands?!? What wetlands? How about proposed policies to drill in the few protected parks our nation has & tap into whatever little natural resources we have left?
I won’t even get started on politics…

But what gets me nearly every night without fail…

Damn t.v. food commercials. They get me every time.

Ever notice how tasty that shrimp special from Red Lobster sounds? Though you know it ain’t nothing like the real thing! (mine have never sizzled like that!)
Or ever want to lick your own fingers after a KFC commercial?
Ever get the urge to make a run for the border for some late night Taco Bell?
I’ve never seen a Ruby Tuesdays before, but I can’t wait to try their specialty burgers!
Do you think Wendy’s mushroom, bacon cheeseburger will really hypnotize others into getting what you want?
I’m already sold on the McDonald’s dollar menu - I mean, h0w can you beat a value like that?!

I suppose you could argue that a sane, responsible individual would just turn off the t.v. and spend some more time exercising outdoors, or perhaps have a deep conversation with your partner about the meaning of life… but for me, after 8-10 hours of work, sometimes all I want to do is veg.

And while we’re watching our favorite t.v. series, we’re bombarded by food commercials that make everything look so damn good!!

If I really had it my way, like Burger King would advise, I would eat a McGriddle sandwich each morning with one (or 2) of their extra greasy hashbrowns, drowned in ketchup and later stop by an am/pm for a 32 oz Big Gulp (Diet Coke, of course - gotta watch those calories!)

Lunch would be 2 french dip sandwiches from Arby’s or perhaps one of those new Chicken Select sandwiches - I tried those salads before, and I know that’s ONE thing those commercials lie about. I like my salads to be really fresh, not just pretend fresh & made w/ waxy iceberg lettuce.

Dinner would be a deep dish specialty Pizza Hut pizza (’cause for a limited time only, they’re celebrating their 25th anniversary by offering a second 1-topping pizza is only 25 cents!)

Or, if I’m short on change, I’d buy a double cheeseburger & small fries from McD’s for only $2!

But I don’t. ‘Cause…

I still think we should buy organic;
support our local mom & pop restaurants;
make dinner together w/ your partner & family;
sit down at the table for a real meal;
eat low fat, high fiber foods;
yada yada yada.

We all have ideals, and then there’s reality.

Well, all in moderation, right?

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C’mon, you know you love them!! They’re our favorite post-drinking / midnight munchies / PMS’in / in-lieu-of-working-out food…

1. Cheetos
1.5. The neon-orange fake cheese gunk left over on your fingers after eating a bag of Cheetos.
2. Popcorn (with yeast & butter, of course!)
3. frozen green grapes - try them!
4. Bon Bons - it’s poppable love
5. stale Red Vines - they’re extra chewy
6. frozen gummy bears - again, high on the chewing satisfaction scale
7. Rice krispies treats
8. anything microwaveable (including last night’s leftovers)
9. anything ready-to-eat in the pantry
10. anything not yet green & fuzzy (but if you’re jones-ing for grub, are you really gonna let a little mold deter you?!)

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I don’t know how some guys (or gals even!) can avoid this tragic habit… must be using some Jedi-mind trick or tapping into the “force”. My force field that safely repels chocolate, french fries, popcorn, and candy is broken.

My husband and I are in the midst of closing escrow on our first home. We’re victims of this crazy housing market in San Francisco, and we both feel like we’ve sold our souls to the Man. We actually don’t know who this Man is, we just know that we hate him for taking all our money and leaving us with a teeny-tiny townhouse in need of major cosmetic work. (Thank goodness, at least, it’s not a dilapidated Victorian building in need of foundation work!)

Prior to writing an offer for the house for money we don’t have & having it accepted, I was nicely on track with my South Beach Diet, Phase II and trimming away my tubby waistline - millimeter by millimeter.

And then the offer was accepted.
And then our loan officer kept calling.
And then we started getting outrageously high estimates for the floors.
And then we realized that our home insurance isn’t covered by our HOAs.
And no one was returning our calls.
And then we realized the floors won’t be done before we move in, so we’re still stuck w/ the pepto-bismo pink carpets.
And my work picked up.
And my husband had 5 interviews within 8 days.
And the dogs kept rolling in crap at the park.
And now we’re trying to figure out how to pack up our apartment, and where we should put the boxes (our current apartment is only 500 sq ft - we can’t have boxes hanging out in our limited space.)

Needless to say, I’m a mental wreck. I was already neurotic & an obsessive control-freak, and this just isn’t helping my mental stability and sanity.

So I turn to comfort food.

All my attempts to monitor & stay healthy are failing - today I packed celery & carrot sticks. Which I then drowned in salad dressing and consumed in 45 seconds flat.

For lunch I brough tofu - which I sliced and consumed with a sickening amount of salted seaweed sprinkles & soy sauce. I can’t take my rings off anymore. They’re stuck on my swollen sausage-fingers.

Last night for dinner I brought home McDonalds. 2 double cheeseburgers, a BigMac & fries. My hubby was thrilled, my stomach went on strike.

Last weekend I made cheesecake. 5 days before that, I made carrot cake. 2 days before that I made lemon pudding cake and pumpkin cake-bread. This is all on top of the recent Halloween candy I bought, knowing full well that we don’t get trick-or-treaters in our childless apartment complex.

Basically, I need to be locked up in a padded room with my arms tied up in a straight jacket.

(I just hope the insane asylum also provides me with a salt lick and cotton candy.)

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